Diary of a Rad Fat Woman

It's been a while since I've touched this little bit of internet bronze and I don't know if anyone will even read it, but it feels good to hammer out my thoughts, so here goes! It's been MORE than challenging around here lately! The struggle bus folks came in and built a bus stop right in the middle of our house. It was a LONG, STRESSFUL, DEMANDING couple of months! We learned in PRIDE (the classes you take to be licensed to be foster parents) that there is a honeymoon period which is sort of a calm before the storm. We expected it while optimistically hoped that since the Lord had worked out things so wonderfully for us, the honeymoon would never end and the storm would avoid our house. It didn't avoid our house, not even a little! It's REALLY hard to parent a broken child, y'all! It's EASY to listen to the heartbreaking stories on the news of children who have been abused and neglected and say to your family "I'd take every one of thos...

Moving around as much as I have, and thereafter, Amanda and I have, makes maintaining friendships challenging to say the least. Most of my friends from my life before Amanda kind of discarded me when I cleansed myself of a couple of toxic people in my life. Taking sides is kind of the story of my life, and much like in grade school dodgeball, it goes without saying that I don't get picked first. 5 years ago this week, I began a relationship with she who would be my best friend for the rest of my life! In our short 5 years, we've lived in 4 cities! Every time, we hope that we can make a few local friends. Given the dynamic of our relationship, it's tricky because contrary to belief, we don't ONLY want to be friends with "people like us". Most heterosexual (or at least non-homosexual) friends that we meet default to wanting to "match" us to other GLBT people that they know. Fact is, we're just a normal couple, leading a normal life, and are...

Nobody told me how complicated it would be to raise a pre-pubescent girl. I never imagined it would be easy, but this business isn't for the faint of heart! I discovered recently that my sweet girl has an interest in a particular boy at her school. We've tried to emphasize that for an 11 year old, things that are important are school, family, fun, and friends. Boys and dating are something she will have plenty of time for in the future when she is mature enough to handle those kinds of relationships. It's not easy to instill these values when SO much of society is fighting against you. While we live in a pretty overwhelmingly conservative area, girls will be girls! All you have to do is watch TV for an hour or listen to the radio on the way to school to find that we're living in a very liberated generation when it comes to "romantic relations"! We're working VERY hard to fight the stigma that victims "ask" to be assaulted by dressing a c...

Those of you who are new to the party of getting to know me might be surprised to know that I've had a bit of a shaky past. Tumultuous failed relationships, perpetual, chronic bouts with poor health, and some pretty early abandonment issues. The fact that almost everything in my life is sailing along more perfectly than the best dream right now is nothing short of a miracle! I've fallen hard for partners who viewed me as less than, and I've invested countless energy, finances, and time in dead-end friendships. It's still hard for me to look at my life and accept that it's real and truly happening to me! So let's get to the point, eh? Until about 5 years ago, due to health-related reasons, it seemed like more of a risk for me to drive a car than it was worth, so I didn't. I got by just fine without one. I started working from home, made a decent enough wage to get by, and even when I had "outside" jobs, for the most part, I made it work. F...

Just about every time I go through something difficult, this song starts to play in my head. At the end of nearly every tumultuous disaster, something beautiful happens. Think of that moment that the sun peaks after the calm of a storm. If you look around, you're pretty likely to find the most beautiful rainbow! When my sweet girl is smiling and cuddling and persevering, it's hard to imagine that there could ever be hard times. When hard times come and I feel like I'll never get through to her it's nearly impossible to envision that rainbow. When I last posted, I admittedly wasn't very optimistic. As hard as things were then, I'm certain that even harder times are ahead. This week improved significantly. Despite a couple of homework related melt-downs and an ear infection accompanied by some nasty throat and sinus crud, she is back to her beautiful, bubbly, wonderful, cuddly, insightful self. With April officially here, next month we get a little clo...

Perhaps I need to assign myself written lines today!  I'm not feeling like a good Mom, I'm not feeling like a good wife, and I'm not really feeling like a good citizen.  The past few days have been challenging.  It's hard to remember, when I look at my sweet, thoughtful, beautiful, bright, insightful girl, that she is a survivor.  It's hard to remember sometimes that our children are SUPER broken.  That often they've spent the majority of their little lives in broken, dysfunctional homes that needed help that nobody was there to give. Friday our girl had a doctor's appointment so we stopped in a thrift store where one of my fellow foster Mamma friends works.  We bee-lined for the book section because our girl is a voracious reader!   Among the stacks of various books was this little gem!  "You're a Better Parent Than You Think!"  "Well, self" I said, "You're kind of rocking this parent thing.  I wouldn't say you NEED thi...

Friday evening we arrived at St Louis children's hospital!  Our girl was in good spirits and we had a fun evening as we settled in and waited for what would be the most trying, challenging, and emotionally exhausting time of our short time together!  I had already had a very long day running around like the Energizer Bunny trying to get everything done that needed to be done so we could return home to a clean, comfortable home.  What we expected would start upon our arrival, didn't commence until nearly midnight.  We were all exhausted, emotional, and ill prepared for what was about to happen.  We had a reservation at the "adjacent" (read 5k walk) to the hotel.  Our girl decided she wanted Amanda to stay with her the first night, so I made the trek back to the hotel.  NICE accommodations but due to the late hour, I had to wait to be let into the hotel once I arrived, and that seemed like another hour. (probably 5 minutes and the walk was probably reall...

Packing up bags, hoping my crochet project keeps my mind busy over the weekend, heading to St Louis so our girl can start her road to recovery!  I'm so head over heels, over the moon in love with this girl! This week has been a learning curve of a lifetime!  Registering for school, remembering all the things 11 year old girls need at school, early bedtimes, organized meals, and waking up earlier than I have in months for a solid week.  Accompanied by all that have been LOTS of hugs, laughs, and moments of bliss I never dreamed would be possible in the first week of parenting! I had respect for foster parents before, but that has elevated by hundreds of percents, ESPECIALLY those who don't have children of their own!  To go from having a spontaneous, indulgent, self-absorbed existence to focusing every ounce of your spare mental and emotional energy into a little creature (or in some cases, group of creatures) in a matter of seconds is daunting to say the least. ...

I remember the day we joked in our training to become licensed to be foster parents that it would be an absolute nightmare if we took a St Louis Cardinals fan into our home!  Amanda and I are avid Cubs fans, saw them 3 times last year in 3 different stadiums.. lost our voices the night they clenched the World Series.. LOVE them!  As with any good rivalry, there's a LOT of animosity between Cards fans and Cubs fans! So NATURALLY, the girl that was seemingly created to be a part of our home is a Cards fan!!!!! (insert all the forlorn and angry emojis here!) We couldn't be more excited to surprise her with a trip to St. Louis on Mother's Day for a good ole' rivalry game between the Cards and Cubs.  Of COURSE I had to get my little Star Wars St. Louis Cardinals loving nerdy girl a Cards shirt with a Star Wars reference (yes, Amanda had to explain it to me..) complete with a coordinating hair bow and bracelet!  I can't even wait to see her face when we tell her we'r...

While I realize my readers here are minimal, it's really nice to get my thoughts out because I'm sure it will be wonderful to look back in about 10 years and relive how amazing this journey has been.  Or maybe when bad days come, I can find comfort in remembering just why we took this step and how amazingly wonderful our bright little girl is! Today I lived the moment every Mom experiences at one time or another, the first day of school! While not the most traditional, having a 5th grader start in the middle of spring semester, I still felt all the emotions dropping her off at the door!  We were blessed to be greeted by the principal who recognized us right away, which really put my mind at ease that she's in great hands.  Naturally I immediately fired off an email to the guidance counselor and was assured she's having a great day!  Of course she is!  She's amazing!  I'm the hot mess! It's not even quite lunch time and I'm parked on my couch for a quic...

Had you told me a week ago what my life would look like today, I would have given you classic Jen-eye and asked but surely enough, Friday afternoon after a whirlwind 48 hours of what ifs, a bright, beautiful, smart, insightful, loving, hilarious little girl moved into our home!  We survived our first weekend quite swimmingly if I do say so myself!!  I really struggled with how it would feel to have a child around full time and if I really had that "parenting thing" in me.  Do I ever!  Both of us have adapted quite nicely to our roles and for as long as God will keep her here, we're looking forward starting our new family in our new house as if we're new creatures!  Hard to remember what our boring lives were like pre-kiddo! ;)

My heart is pounding, my palms are sweating, my mind is racing, and my cup is running over!  Yesterday I was just a wife!  Today I'm a Mommy!  Today my life changes forever and I'm already so in love with this girl I can't handle it!  Today is a good day!  Today is the day I add the title of "Mom" to my self-description! Our home was owned before us by a fellow Foster Mom.  She has been a great support to me over the past two weeks and shared this with me yesterday! My life will undoubtedly be changed, and undeniably for the better!   Is she here yet?????

To say the past 36 hours have been a whirlwind would be the understatement of the year!  Our licensing worker visited us on Friday for our final walk through, sent our paperwork off yesterday in the morning to the powers that be and POOF two hours later she got word that we're licensed!  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize that there is probably a great enough need related to our licensing specifications for age and quantity that it probably won't take long for us to fill up! We were already planning to attend a social last night for Foster Parents and really didn't want to back out of that, as 1.) we could use the support and 2.) I had spent the whole day toiling away on some AMAZING cupcakes that I wasn't about to let go to waist. (see what I did there?) We zipped off to Effingham for the gathering, sat around with many other new foster parents and were VERY grateful for the opportunity to network with others, all the while thinking about everything w...

Today's another very important day for us!  We're expecting a visit from our licensing worker for our final walk through!  It seems there's a pressing need for homes willing to accept kiddos between the ages of 12 and 14 so it wouldn't surprise me if we're opening our doors before Spring even arrives! We're settling in nicely, all of our rooms are set up and "livable", just have to attack the last of the cardboard kingdom! It's so nice to have storage space and not have boxes stored away in every nook and cranny of every room in the house!  The garage and basement are invaluable! While I have a LOT to say about what's going on in the world, I can't possibly formulate thoughts that would take less than 10,000 words to "pen", so I'm just going to keep them to myself and try to pray my frustration away! I know there aren't many of you keeping up with this.. it's amazing how people forget about you all together when yo...

We did it!!  We're officially homeowners! This house was ours before it was even listed!  I just had this feeling in the pit of my stomach about it and once we saw the inside, we were beyond in love!  That fateful open house solidified that it was meant for us!  Everything about the house was pretty much everything we ever wanted!  Thursday, February 9th we began another chapter in our forever future!  We had a minor little stumbling block to get our hands on it, but it was obviously meant to be ours.  Guess the sellers just needed a little divine intervention too! ;)  One of the best parts is that my super big sis gave me the very table I grew up around. Every holiday meal, every day's homework, every deep clean ;) was made around this very table and now it's in OUR home waiting for our growing little family!  Can't wait to play games, share meals, and help with homework at this very table!  Also given so generously to us was a bunk b...

However daunting of a task it might have seemed, last week I made a pretty spontaneous choice to eliminate my whole friend list on Facebook.  The last person in the world I ever expected would have been elected to rule our country was hours away from being sworn in as the President of the United States of America, and it sickened me.  While I don't want to live in denial of my world's surroundings, I can learn of them without hearing all of the ignorant nonsensical biased jibberish that comes along with having a Facebook news feed!  Since we don't have cable, I have to make an active CHOICE to inform myself on what is happening in my country, and that's really how it should be.  It shouldn't be shoved down my throat in the click-baiting, anger inciting, fire fueling way that social media feeds us. There are some BEAUTIFUL things going on in our life right now!  We're days away from closing on our dream home, we are weeks away from being licensed as foster pare...