I *AM* a good Mom!

Perhaps I need to assign myself written lines today!  I'm not feeling like a good Mom, I'm not feeling like a good wife, and I'm not really feeling like a good citizen.  The past few days have been challenging.  It's hard to remember, when I look at my sweet, thoughtful, beautiful, bright, insightful girl, that she is a survivor.  It's hard to remember sometimes that our children are SUPER broken.  That often they've spent the majority of their little lives in broken, dysfunctional homes that needed help that nobody was there to give.
Friday our girl had a doctor's appointment so we stopped in a thrift store where one of my fellow foster Mamma friends works.  We bee-lined for the book section because our girl is a voracious reader!   Among the stacks of various books was this little gem!  "You're a Better Parent Than You Think!"  "Well, self" I said, "You're kind of rocking this parent thing.  I wouldn't say you NEED this book.  Maybe I'll share it with someone who's struggling!"  You see, a couple of weeks ago, I made a deal with our sweet girl.  If she held up her end of the bargain, I'd quit smoking!  Yup, I've been a smoker for the better part of 23 years!  Now, I'm not a chain smoker.  You'll never find me parked in my house with a cigarette hanging out of my mouth.  I'm a considerate smoker and at best, a couple packs a week.  I smoke to give my mind a rest!  My wife says that I'm often a different person when I step back inside from a cigarette than I was when I walked out.  It's been a pretty reliable coping mechanism for me.  So naturally, our girl held up her end of the bargain, and I finished up my pack and didn't buy a replacement.
Today, exactly 10 days later, on my way home from walking her to school, I bought a pack of cigarettes.  STUPID, right?  Nope.  Not when I look at what a terrible attitude I could have when I have to pick up my girl from school and face everything the evening holds.  Just like we teach her, it's OK to be wrong. It's OK to make a mistake.  Buying THIS stupid pack of smokes isn't any indicator that I failed.  I made a choice that was what I saw as best for my family and when I'm better prepared to correct it, I will!  We've also been teaching her a lot about honesty and how we'll always be honest with her because we want her to be honest with us.  So do I break the news to her that I broke down?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  In the meantime, I'm going to get this silly lap blanket crocheted for Woman's Club tomorrow, I'm going to stop later and enjoy a smoke, and at the end of the day, I'm going to assign myself a little homework.  I'm going to write (or type) "I AM a good Mom" until I fully believe it!