Those of you who are new to the party of getting to know me might be surprised to know that I've had a bit of a shaky past. Tumultuous failed relationships, perpetual, chronic bouts with poor health, and some pretty early abandonment issues. The fact that almost everything in my life is sailing along more perfectly than the best dream right now is nothing short of a miracle!
I've fallen hard for partners who viewed me as less than, and I've invested countless energy, finances, and time in dead-end friendships. It's still hard for me to look at my life and accept that it's real and truly happening to me!
So let's get to the point, eh?
Until about 5 years ago, due to health-related reasons, it seemed like more of a risk for me to drive a car than it was worth, so I didn't. I got by just fine without one. I started working from home, made a decent enough wage to get by, and even when I had "outside" jobs, for the most part, I made it work. For 13 years I've gotten by in life just swimmingly without my own set of wheels.
Let's back up a little further, shall we? ;)
18 years ago to the month, I was feeling pretty hopeless. I was a senior in college studying to be a Special Education Teacher, I had to finish up a couple of classes, squeeze in one more full class, wrap up my student teaching, and boom, I'd be set for life. My financial aid ran out and I was burning out quickly. I dropped the classes I had and decided to take time off to work and save up for what was remaining so I wouldn't have to take out any student loans. We all know how that goes. 18 years later, I'm not qualified for much of anything, I'm extremely limited as to what jobs I CAN hold due to my health, and honestly, right now, being a wife and Mom are the only things I'm doing well enough to get by. My income is cut drastically because I'm now only working when our girl is at school. We're getting by comfortably, but it just won't be feasible until this summer to get a second car and for me to get a little more serious about job hunting or my options for furthering my education! So for 6 more weeks, I'm reliant on my own two feet for transporting my girl to school every day. In instances of inclement weather, I have to rely on the kindness of what few wonderful friends we do have in this wonderful town to which we are still relatively new. I've only had to call upon these friends a handful of times for such favors, but because of my past, I feel like a complete nuisance and burden. It's not fair. It's not fair to me to feel like a failure, it's not fair to my girl to even consider subjecting her to negative conditions due to my own stubbornness, and it's not fair to my friends to judge how they perceive me.
I'm NOT a burden. I'm a loyal, generous, and fierce friend and I've GOT to stop letting ghosts from my past convince me that I'm not worthy of the same.
So, my friends, I ask for your forgiveness. I've judged you in ways I shouldn't have. I also ask for your patience. Soon things will be looking up for me and I'll be able to do for you as much as I'd like! Thanks to those of you who have extended a helpful hand and thanks in advance to those of you on whom I may still need to rely in the rainiest season of the year!!
Had you told me a week ago what my life would look like today, I would have given you classic Jen-eye and asked but surely enough, Friday afternoon after a whirlwind 48 hours of what ifs, a bright, beautiful, smart, insightful, loving, hilarious little girl moved into our home! We survived our first weekend quite swimmingly if I do say so myself!! I really struggled with how it would feel to have a child around full time and if I really had that "parenting thing" in me. Do I ever! Both of us have adapted quite nicely to our roles and for as long as God will keep her here, we're looking forward starting our new family in our new house as if we're new creatures! Hard to remember what our boring lives were like pre-kiddo! ;)
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